I believe I must say, Yes-and yet I shudder. Alas! If I join St. John, I abandon half myself: if I go to India, I go to premature death. And how will the interval between leaving England for India, and India for the grave, be filled? Oh, I know well! That, too, is very clear to my vision.
By straining to satisfy St. John till my sinews ache, I shall satisfy him-to the finest central point and farthest outward circle of his expectations. If I do go with him-if I do make the sacrifice he urges, I will make it absolutely: I will throw all on the altar-heart, vitals, the entire victim. He will never love me; but he shall approve me; I will show him energies he has not seen, resources he has never suspected. Yes: I can work as hard as he can; and with as little grudging.