IPDV: Do Abusers Change Quiz
Is your relationship really becoming abuse-free? Answer yes or no to the following questions to find out. Make sure to record your responses. At the end, you'll find out how to score your answers.
Is My Partner:
- More receptive of my opinions and activities than they were in the past?
- Open to talking about how their behaviors make me feel?
- Openly seeking professional help because they really do want to change?
- Accepting responsibility for their actions and acknowledging their behavior was unhealthy and unacceptable?
Does My Partner:
- Get upset when I express a different opinion?
- Have a possessive attitude towards me and my actions?
- Act like the victim for having to change?
- Believe that I owe him or her something for changing?
- Blame me for our problems?
- Make excuses for abusive behavior, past and present?
- Dismiss how much I was hurt by the abuse?
- Not take my feelings seriously, especially those about the abuse?
- Use small signs of disrespect, like eye-rolling?
- Hurt me physically, even if the violence doesn't seem like a big deal, like pulling hair?
- Substitute violence with abusive language or emotional abuse?
- Substitute physical violence with intimidation, like punching the wall beside me instead of punching me?
- Use pressure and guilt when it comes to our sex life?
- Use methods of intimidation, control or humiliation?
- Fall back on abusive behavior when we have arguments?
Give yourself 1 point for answering "yes" you answered to numbers 1-4; and 5 points for every "yes" response to numbers 5-19.
Now that you're finished and have your score, the next step is to find out what your score means. Simply take your total score and see which of the boxes below applies to you.
Score: 1-4 Points
If you scored 1-4 points, you may be noticing some positive changes in your partner. Progress is a great thing. However, it is still a good idea to keep an eye out for any signs that abusive behaviors are returning, even small ones. If something doesn't feel right, don't ignore your intuition, it can be telling you something.
And remember, even if your partner has made changes in their behavior, you are never obligated to stay in the relationship. Remind yourself that you deserve to be safe and healthy, no matter what you choose.
Score: 5 Points or More
If you scored 5 or more points, your partner still has a lot of work to do. Even though your partner has agreed to change, they are still hurting you. You may want to seriously consider leaving the relationship and ending contact with them.
Remember, the most important thing is your safety. Whether you decide to leave or stay, have a safety plan ready to better protect yourself. And if you want more information about your options, start a chat with a peer advocate at loveisrespect.org.